17# Blood
By Sparklingjem.
The human body contains on average 6 quarts of blood, or 5.6 liters. Every 60 seconds those 6 quarts circulate your whole body, and travel almost 12000 miles every day. The blood never stops moving and if it does, you die. You can only lose 2 quarts of blood and with managing to kick the bucket. Unless of course someone is replacing it.

Urgent calls are going out across North America as the recent weather conditions have led to shortages in blood supplies. Bad weather means scheduled blood drives are cancelled which provide a huge constituent of the blood bank's supply of blood. So now is a good time to remind you of 2 important reasons to brave the weather give some blood.

Reason 1: You can save lives!
 We all know the virtues of giving your vital fluid to someone in a desperate situation. If you don’t like pure altruism, think about the fact that at some point in your life, you, someone you love or even someone you hate but depend on in some way (like to get laid), might need blood. Karma is only a bitch if you were a bitch first. Plus, since we don’t all have super powers there are only so many ways we can help our fellow man.

And if you're not moved by the plight of the human condition, think about vampires. Which bring us too....

Reason 2: With just a couple of pints a day you can save a vampire!
As many historically based TV shows and films have shown us, while evil vampires have no problem killing and torturing their human victims for food. Good vampires are restricted to drinking the blood of animals, which weakens them, or relying on well-stocked blood banks. Blood banks which we’ve already mentioned are running low.

I am donating my blood for him!!! Despite Al’s views on the subject, expressed in 5 Life Saving Reasons Not to Date a Vampire, everyone knows vampires are just misunderstood creatures concealing their hurt and despair behind a facade of callous indifference. They can’t even be bribed into good behavior with the promise of a mythical, magical place where they can go once they die because… well they’re already dead.

So go give blood either to save a life or to help a struggling vampire keep from falling off the wagon.

 13# Language

"You are really cute but I have no idea what you're saying."

By Sparklingjem
Not long ago a friend of mine asked me over for drinks to meet this gorgeous Frenchman he had found. I arrived, got stuck into the booze, started chatting to my friend and eyed up this foreign delicacy. I was pretty unimpressed. I mean, he was gorgeous, but in a place where 'French' means Oliver Martinez, this guy was just about average. He was pretty quiet. said 'Hi' and not much else. My interest gradually waned until I was about to give up completely. Suddenly, he decided to join the conversation. My jaw dropped, I have no idea what he said but, the next thing I knew, I had a swift elbow in my side as my friend whispered “don’t be so obvious”.

Good advice! I had to flirt.......

Now came the moment where I had to be subtle but communicating, inviting but not overtly so; to draw him out and befriend him until he feels safe, then pounce. The only flaw in an otherwise flawless plan is that he hardly speaks any English.  I speak no French except "voulez vous couche avec moi c’est soir", and I think that would throw the subtlety out the window. Our ancestors may have managed to get the message across in grunts and umphs but it’s not good enough for me.

Aside from being completely unable to impress anyone with my philosophical take on the underlying plot lines of Vampire Diaries, grunts and umphs just don’t sound sexy. It is difficult to appear witty and vivacious when you have had to repeat yourself five times and he still doesn’t understand what you mean. The inevitable game of charades that follows, just results in you looking ridiculous and it’s only marginally better than going the pictionary route. He won’t get the ironic ‘How you doin’ Friends reference, you’ll just sound creepy. Even when you try to talk about French films he only understands who Marion Cotillard is if you pronounce it right.

I am so grateful for language and guys who speak mine.

#9 Mirrors

By Africanlegend
A typical mirror is a sheet of glass that is coated on one side with aluminum or silver that produces images by reflection. The method of backing a plate of flat glass with a thin sheet of reflecting metal dates back to Venice during the 16th century but mentions of the use of copper plates and other reflective surfaces as mirrors date back to even before the Roman Empire. Present-day mirrors are made by sputtering a thin layer of molten aluminum or silver onto the back of a plate of glass in a vacuum (source).

Unless you live in some derelict part of the world or amidst a civil war or mass genocide, in which case the post is sadly impertinent to you, you have probably looked in a mirror today and will likely do so several more times during the course of the day. The most important invention mirrors are fundamental to is probably the telescope but their applications are endless and photography and early film would not have been possible with them.


That being said, the most important, yet undervalued purpose of a mirror is to bestow upon us the ability to see things at angles and in directions that we wouldn’t ordinarily be able to see, making them fundamental safety features in cars and other vehicles.

They also help us see an image of ourselves. This is profound since the basis of social etiquette mandates that we all maintain certain minimum levels of hygiene. For this reason we use accessories like bathroom mirrors to to render and see images of ourselves to rectify appearance-related issues. We must primarily rely on mirrors for this there seems to exist some misplaced social taboo with regards to telling p they may be to wipe their face, clean their nose or de-slobber themselves. People honestly just avoid telling other if they can........ 

You can literally be walking around WITH:


1 ounce of mysterious, ill-descript white liquid dangling from your hair.
A booger swinging like vine from one nostril.
A cockroach on your cheek.
Your zipper undone, with no evidence of underwear.
To patches of perspiration, creating bull's-eye targets under your armpits.
An erupted pimple, oozing molten, bacterial lava.
Your butt crack peering out form the top of your jeans like Peeping Tom.


…..And even though you are with, four co-workers, three best friends that you’ve know since you were four years old, four sisters and big brother, your dad, your mom, your step-mom and a hygiene and social etiquette specialist with a degree form Harvard and Stanford…

THEY STILL WON’T TELL YOU HAVE CRAP ALL OVER YOUR FACE UNTIL SOMEWHERE NEAR THE END OF THE NIGHT WHEN IT IS WAY TOO LATE.

I recently experienced a perfect example of this. Last night I was at wings night watching Football. I did my best to concentrate on the game but it had become an impossible proposition. This girl had sat in the corner of the room with her back to the entire room and her buttocks were sticking out of her jeans. In fact, basically they climbed out of her jeans, got up and walked around the bar and had a conversation with a few of the patrons. Every time she shifted her position it got worse as if her jeans were trying to escape. She had come in with three people that failed to mention her exposure and I find it hard to believe none of them noticed.

It was not long before we called the waiter and asked if he might find some way to politely inform her of her butt crack expo. After a lot of deliberation with waiter, we all unanimously agreed it had been so long that it would be more embarrassing to actually let her know. So we decided to let her continue to be totally embarrassed but remain ignorant of that fact.

NB: This could all have been avoided if she just looked in a mirror.

So next time you look in the mirror, remember my story about The Butt Crack Princess and really appreciate the opportunity you have, to prevent such embarrassment, that the mirror affords you. Heck go out right now and buy a little mirror as a token of your appreciation….…

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7# Hugs



By Sparklingjem.
I am a huggist. I believe that hugs can make the world a better place; and that many, if not all, of the world's problems can be helped by opposing parties just turning to each other and saying “Hey man, gimme a hug.” Africanlegend (AL) completely disagrees with me and says that wanting to go around hugging everyone is some form of glorified hippie nonsense. Comparing us as experimental test subjects and taking the fact that I am happier, funnier, smarter, healthier, more attractive and generally much nicer we can conclude that I am right.

However, putting that aside, studies in various fields repeatedly show the importance of positive touch in development as well as emotional and physical health. According to Kathleen Keating who wrote “The Hug Therapy Book”, our society is suffering from a “sad condition best described as touch deprivation, skin hunger and hug inhibition. We need to recognize that every human being has a profound physical and emotional need for touch.”  Hugs are the most effective way of giving positive touch. American author and psychotherapist Virginia Satir said “We need four hugs a day for survival. We need eight hugs a day for maintenance. We need twelve hugs a day for growth.”

So next time you want to throw a high heeled shoe at another girl's head or punch a guy in the neck, think about the fact that it can probably all be resolved with just one simple hug. It's totally free, environmentally friendly, needs no additional equipment, takes very little time and can be done anywhere so START HUGGING NOW!!!!!

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#6 Deodorant

By Africanlegend
Deodorant is somewhat of an unsung hero. It is only appreciated in its absence. Usually after a long arduous days work and the effects of your deodorant wear off and you begin to suffocate in your own odor which seems to grow stronger by the minute. You may be dancing in a club and suddenly a dude walks past you and a tornado-like blast of pungent wind sweeps by you practically knocking you off your feet. He smells like a mixture of dead fish and cattle manure with a light seasoning of flatulence. Have you ever had a coworker that smelled so bad your were unable to work and the flowers you brought to decorate your cubical withered away in their presence? A person that smelled so bad you woke up in the middle of the night able to taste his bad smell in your mouth; a smell so bad it transcended your sense of smell and manifested itself in hearing, sight or even touch?

The fact is, when people smell ok, nobody stands back and says, “Wow! Thank goodness for your deodorant and the hard work its doing neutralizing your otherwise repulsive urea and salt enriched sweat.” In fact if it weren’t for repugnant, abhorrent smelling people would we even acknowledge the presence of deodorant at all?
Deodorant was invented in Philadelphia in 1888, by an inventor whose name seems to have been lost in history and marketed under the brand name “Mum.” Who ever you are, thank you for making offices all over the world a less toxic environment. In the late 1940's, Helen Barnett Diserens joined the Mum invention team and inspired the development of an underarm deodorant based on the same principle as a new invention called the 'ball point' pen. This new type of deodorant applicator was tested in the U.S. in 1952 and was marketed under the name of Ban Roll-On. The modern formulation of the antiperspirant was patented by Jules Montenier on January 28, 1941 and solved the excessive skin irritations caused by it’s predecessors. From that point onwards many companies, including Gillette and Henkel helped antiperspirants develop into the form in which we commonly see it in today (Source).

Notes: During the development of modern day deodorant, two culprits did their level best to keep us smelling like the stinky remnants of our ancestors. The FDA and EPA saw it fit to foolishly protect our environment and health instead of worrying about the impact bad smelling people were having on socializing and the growth of the economy in general.

1) 1977 the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) banned the active ingredient used in aerosols, aluminum zirconium chemicals, due to safety concerns over long term inhalation.


2) The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) limited the use of chlorofluorocarbon (CFC) propellants used in aerosols due to awareness that these gases can contribute to depleting the ozone layer.

So next time your co-worker walks by you or your friend gives you a hug and it doesn’t smell bad enough to cause you severe nausea, convulsions and asphyxia, think about the unsung hero that never makes the headlines unless in absentia. Viva deodorant, I thank you for my sanity.


FULL LIST!!

#5 Your Butt!
By Africanlegend.
It follows us every where we go like the proverbial tail. Some cultures want it huge and others try to vaporize it with exotic fat-free diets. I am talking about the dual cheeked wonder that accompanies us throughout our lives and takes on many different shapes and sizes. I am referring to: the nates, the clunium, the gluteus, the regio glutealis, the ass, the booty, the hiney or as most refer to it, the butt.

The buttocks are the rounded portions of the anatomy located on the posterior of the pelvic region of apes, humans and many other bipeds or quadrupeds. The buttocks allow primates to sit upright without needing to rest their weight on their feet as four-legged animals do. Many people underestimate the sheer versatility and importance their butt plays in their everyday life. Here are just a few functions:

1.The butt provides a built in cushion to make the act of sitting down more comfortable.
In life you may often find yourself fatigued and needing to rest your legs. If you have a big enough ass, it can act as a natural cushion, enabling you to sit relatively comfortably in a chair-less environment.
2. The butt is vital to motion.
The butt is very involved in your day to day activities like walking, jumping, running etc. A lot of muscles that assist the legs in motion find their origin in your butt. That is why if you look at most successful runners and athletes, they come with a built in huge ass to assist in propulsion, power, torque and speed.
3. Butts cause conflict.
Butts can cause low self esteem if they don't look exactly as the host wants them to and they can be the root of many fights in relationships.

Girl: Does my ass look big in this dress?
Guy: Hell yeah!! I bet it has it own gravitational pull!
Girl: OMG (runs off and starves herself into some eating disorder)

Girl: I saw you looking at her ass.
Guys: It's genetic, if I didn't I wouldn't be a man.

4.A nice butt can provide opportunities and forge careers.
If you have a really nice butt like Kim Kardashian or Jennifer Lopez you can earn your living off it. A nice butt can act as an excellent substitute for talent, charisma, intelligence, grace, good manners, decorum, common sense, civility, decency or any other life skill you can acquire. I mean, lets face it, nobody watches Keeping up with The Kardashians for its gripping insight and examination of the nature of mankind.
5. Butts can be used as a sign of protest if exposed on purpose.
Why stand around for hours with signs and chants like a bunch of hippies when you can make a statement with your hiney. Maybe you disagree with the new SB1040 anti-immigrant laws. Don't bother writing letters to your congress man, simply band together and moon him as he exits his office. Paint your protests and demands on each butt cheek, make sure the press is there and voila, a powerful statement that can't be ignored.
6. Butts can cause shame if exposed inadvertently.
So you are sick and tired of the girl you hate for absolutely no reason except that she is more attractive than you. Why sit and sulk in the corner? Be a true playa-hate-her and sneak up behind her when it is crowded and pull down her skirt. The shame and embarrassment caused by an accidentally exposed glut is priceless.
7. Butts can be used to threaten or intimidate others:

If you don't shut up you'll get an ass-kicking.
I will kick your butt.
He is about to get an ass whipping.
If she does anything else imma ride up on that ass (meaning unclear)

8. The word Butt and all its variants can be used as virtually any part of speech.

Verb: It was crowded so I had to kind of ass my way through everybody.
Noun: She has a wonderful ass. This place smells like ass.
Adjective: He is a butt-head and she is an ass!
Pronoun: Ass asked me to fill out this report so I have to go home late.
Interjection: Hey Ass! Put that down

So next time you sit down, get up to walk or perform just about any activity that requires motion, take a moment to think about the unsung hero that humanity takes for granted. turn around and say, "Booty, I appreciate you."

FULL LIST

3# Food


By Africanlegend.
The only things humans NEED to survive are food, water and shelter. Nobody, not even the most distinguished, food averse suburban white woman can deny the fact that we all need food to live. If you eat the wrong amounts or types of food you can pay the price. You can either get the fat ass ailments of the west like cancer and high blood pressure or you can get the malnutrition related diseases of the third world like, scurvy, rickets and a plethora of other diseases that sound like board games.

The purpose of Food:

1.Food is broken down to provide us with energy (fuel)
2.Food also provides minerals and nutrients for basic body functions and growth.
3.It can also be used to make yourself feel better if someone dumps you.

The greatest irony about food is that in most instances humans can't quite get the idea of balancing just how much they need to eat. You have those who eat too much by choice and those that eat too little through no design of their own. To illustrate my point I have created an extremely complex, in depth illustration.


Essentially, you have the 3rd World, developing nations inhabitants who are often too busy fighting civil wars, building their nations and being too populated to feed themselves adequately. Then you have the developed countries inhabitants who won't hestitate to mercilessly shove down buckets of food down their throats with no restraint like a gold fish about to eat itself to the border of its own demise. To simplify this further, you basically have a bunch of weathly fat asses who are sitting on a pedestal laughing at a bunch of poor people that have to ration out one chicken between a family of nine over a two week period. (ok fine you have people in between as well but there is nothing funny about eating healthy)



As in many cases you will always have outliers. You get people with an abundance of food that choose not to eat it. They conjure up elaborate diets, eliminating entire food groups just so they can fit into a pair of jeans only they believed they'd ever fit into. Then you get the random fat dude flourishing in a land of famine and scarcity and you look at him and can't help thinking whether he alone is responsible for the food shortage.


This topic does not lend itself to my “imagine if we didn't have this” guilt trip because I am sure we all know that if we didn't have food we'd die, in about 4 to 6 weeks. However, next time you are shoving food down your esophagus, spare a thought for the food-less people out there and really savor your meal.

FULL LIST

2# Toilet Paper

By Africanlegend.