By Sparklingjem
I recently read an article about the theory of an oxford professor. He believes that there is 20% chance we are living in a virtual reality world created by our distant descendants. That means 20% chance our world is created and controlled by some idiot in the year 2578. I can see him sitting on his sci-fi designer couch eating genetically modified popcorn which probably grows ready flavoured and in fun(garish) fizzy drink colours. Or some pimple faced adolescent who can at any moment end our existence if he gets bored. In the article theorists suggested ways in which to prolong your life and possible simulated afterlife. One suggestion was trying to live by the moral codes of your controller. Considering the most popular thing to do in Sims is kill your people, by drowning, fire or deleting the doors of a room so they starve to death, I’m more inclined to follow Robin Hanson. He suggests you should be as entertaining as possible. So here are tips on how to survive our virtual reality world.

Tip 1: Add Action
People love watching exciting action sequences. With very little at your disposal even a physical fight will create excitement and entertainment value. If you want to step up from that, the simplest option is a car chase. There are millions of cars in the world and chances are you own one or can (relatively) easily steal one. Stealing one is in fact a far better entertainment value option. If you want to get really high tech, aircraft chases, high speed shoot outs and full scale battles all have potential

COMING SOON. STEP 2 THE LOVE TRIANGLE

By Yoshi

English not Yoshi’s first language, but I will try my best to write properly….

Yoshi had a temporary moment of sadness contemplating the connubial bliss of SparklingJem and the Justin Bieber, and wondering whether being a serial killer leads to a life of loneliness. But then, Yoshi is thinking, wait, serial killer much better and more noble lifestyle. And here is why:

Firstly, our planet is groaning under weight of far too many human beings. We are told we must conserve power, conserve water, almost everything we are asked to have less of. But the problem is not too little resources, problem is TOO MANY PEOPLE. Serial killing is noble planet saving cause. If all of us got in touch with our inner serial killer, world population would plummet, and planet would begin to recover from the pestilence of humanity.

Secondly, serial killers improve mankind. If you are at all responsible as a serial killer, you target the d-bags, the selfish ones, the stupid and thoughtless ones and those who harm the innocent. In short, you target those who richly deserve to be extinguished. In this way, serial killers act as natural selectors, improving humanity. Left to themselves, the least desirable of humanity breed faster than those who have more to offer because they often get more girls: watch the movie Idiocracy (or just watch network television).

Thirdly, serial killers are self limiting: the more successful serial killers become, the more sophisticated and intelligent the response to them. Silly careless serial killers are caught quickly. Serial killer need to be thoughtful and careful to survive.  This makes humanity improve in both physically (If you want to survive serial killer; then you better be doing some cardio!) and intellectually (everyone always thoughtful and aware if thinking that serial killer is stalking them).



Fourthly, serial killers can solve world’s relationship problems. If there were more serial killers, then relationships that didn’t work would end quickly and guilty party would be extinguished, without angst, recrimination or regret: just one last thrill for the stronger of the couple (you see, more natural selection!). By removing people that are bad at relationships from pool of available people, relationships for everyone will get better. Self help guides would gather dust on bookshelves, and the art of cooking would enter a Golden Age.

Fifthly, wars would become a thing of the past: all genuine serial killers abhor random impersonal killing that is part and parcel of war. Yoshi always takes special pleasure in “visiting” those who seek to advance war as the way to solve problems in the world. Yoshi only wish more people, even if not want to be serial killers, would politically “serial kill” the bringers of war and suffering to humanity.

Sixthly, racism would end: Yoshi assure you that we really are all the same on the inside…..really, Yoshi knows this. All people fear mystery of death in the same way, and more serial killers would bring home the futility and pointlessness of focusing on the external features of others.

So Yoshi relax now from shear effort of try to write better English, and have glass of ‘96 La Tache. Now can imagine SparklingJem and Justin: “…her quivering hand touching the throbbing string bean of his manhood, and with a husky voice he asked, “May I flick your fava bean?”

Sayonara.

By Africanlegend.
After years of research, scientists have finally come up with a cure for Jungle Fever. Jungle Fever is a debilitating disease that causes an individual to be attracted to people outside of their race, particularly black people. Historically, there has been no available cure for Jungle Fever leaving sufferers with only options for temporary treatments such as moving to the suburbs to avoid black people. Scientists made a break through late last week and finally a cure has been found. Stuff-about.com has been given exclusive access to it and we are the first to Publish on it.


Cure for Jungle Fever
Ingredients: Real Mayonnaise, Panini Bread, Lettuce, Tomatoes, All Natural Cold Cut Turkey, Low Carb Potato Chips, Organic Soy Milk, FOX NEWS, A Book (with words) and The TV Show FRIENDS.

This Process should be done 4 times a week for 3 months. On off days, the patient may interact with black people to help alleviate withdrawal symptoms.

1. Quarantine the patient from black influences that may worsen their condition. For example, stop them from watching BET, UPN, MTV and anything that begins with “Tyler Perry’s…”

2. Take 2 thin slices of Panini Bread and place the cold cut turkey slices, lettuce and tomatoes between them. On the topmost slice of bread spread a generous amount of mayonnaise evenly with a knife. You now have a turkey sandwich. The Low Carb Chips and Organic Soy Milk can be used to compliment the meal.

3. Next, Play FOX NEWS for 25 minutes every hour. Between Glenn Beck and Bill O’Reilly, negative stereotypes about black people can be reinforced and amplified. The patient thinking all black people are dangerous, angry, rapping, criminals is key to the recovery process.

NB: FOX NEWS may also cause patients to dislike Mexicans.

5. Play the TV show Friends. This will help the patient be at ease with a world completely devoid of black people or anything pertinent or relating to them.

6. Have the patient read a book for 20-35 minutes to conclude the treatment. The patient will need to support their reading habit by spending time in bookstores and coffee shops. A National Geographic study found these two places to be the least likely places you can find black people in urban areas.

Within 3 weeks you should see a marked improvement in the patients condition and after 6 weeks the patient should be showing signs of attraction to their own race again.

Playing The Race Card refers to the act of bringing the issue of race into a debate, usually to obfuscate the matter and win an argument.

Although most commonly used by black people, The Race Card can also be used effectively by Jews (Holocaust), Eastern Europeans (Hairy women), Asians (Small penis/bad driving stereotype) or any other race that has been through some notable racially motivated tragedy or is subject to demeaning stereotypes.

The Race Card is extremely effective. Personally I use it if:

1. I’m losing an argument.
In this case, I simply wait for some ambiguously interpretable term like “you people” and then I make the other person feel like a racist while deflecting the fact that I have a poor argument.

2. I don’t like the person.
If you don’t like a person, calling them a racist can usually make them angry enough to leave. There is a small chance this may backfire. Some white people may stick around and feel morally obligated to disprove your statement and maybe even invite you to dinner as reparations for the way you feel.

 3. I get arrested.
Since the Rodney King beating that was heard and seen around the world, regardless of the reason for my incapacitation, I can simply blame it on my blackness. After all the police officer that stopped me and found the dead body in my trunk would not have stopped me at all, had I not committed the initial crime; Driving While Black (DWB).


4. Some other dude got the job.
Regardless of their qualifications, obviously they got the job because of some form of nepotism. I was passed over because of my blackness, which I tried to conceal as best as I could by wearing a suit, leaving my bling bling at home and speaking eloquently.

5. If I want to be lazy and slack off
Being lazy and slacking off offers the immediate benefit of having free time to devote to important things like Gchat, Facebook and Twitter. Occasionally a co-worker may complain about your conduct to your superiors. If so, that is a good time to site some obscure company policy and report the person for discriminating against you based on your color. It will be pretty easy to gain the support of fellow minorities in your office and before long the person that reported you will become That Racist Dude at my office.

In truth, you can and should use The Race Card whenever you get the chance. After all a bunch of people you have no connection with suffered a long time ago to earn you the right to do so. Let them not have suffered in vain!

This (above) is video of a heroic dog that saves a fellow colleague of his who manages to get struck by a truck on a busy highway in Chile.

Had a cat, the alternate, less friendly assortment of pet, been involved in this incident, we might have seen a different headline the next day. I'll hypothesize....

"Wonder cat in Chile able to drive a truck."

"Cat saves itself"

"Cat tricks two dogs into running onto a busy highway."

"Cat seen fleeing the scene of a tragic hit and run accident in a white Bronco. A Bloody glove was found at the scene of the crime."

"Cat cover-up. Dog activist assassinated."

"Dog owner tragically loses dog in highway accident but is thankful he still has his cat."

"After Jerry Springer show, mixed relationship between a cat and dog meets a tragic end."

"Cats release internet video taking credit for terrorist attack on the dog community and declare a Holy War."



By Africanlegend

An Australian cookbook, "The Pasta Bible", was recalled recently when one recipe called for "salt and freshly ground black people," (READ ARTICLE)


In Australia and the rest of the world it was deemed an "embarrassing typing error"...

However, in the US, there was a mixed but predictable response...

Black people.
~ Black people probably didn't hear about it but since white people are involved, by default we can safely assume they are currently angry and would be angry in the event that they did hear about it.

Laquisha Jackson: I don't know what happened but you know white people. I don't trust em. And where is the white nigga that wrote the book? Imma break my foot in ass soo bad he's gonna [censored]...

Southern white people.
~ Southern bible belt confederates saw nothing wrong with the cook book, saying that the only problem was that the recipe "salt and freshly ground black people," was in fact very unimaginative.

Bubba "Jeep" Foxworthy: I don't see what the problem is? I wouldn't even buy that book. Ours have better recipes like "Lazy Negro Soup," "The Hang that Negro Sandwich, (with cheese)" and my personal favorite the "Go back to Africa Steak, with a boat load of caramelized onions" 

Progressive white people.
~ Progressive white people, the self proclaimed protectors of black people and holders of the magic crystal of morality were the most offended by it. Even more so than black people.

Sarah Smith: I am shocked and appalled by this. This is an outrage! What do you think the great black revolutionaries like Martin X and Malcom Luther King would say? This is terrible! I am going to invite my one black friend over for dinner so we can discuss this and I'll even let him in this time. 

Mexicans.
~ Mexicans were too hard at work to make a comment...

Asians.
~ Asians sided blindly with ALL white people because they adore them SOOOO much!

NB: Apologies to any racial groups I omitted...you are probably just not a funny bunch..

By Africanlegend.

Scene of the last supper. Jesus and his disciples are all in the same room on their laptops g-chatting.

Jehova87: Ok great meal guys...I enjoyed it. Big ups to my Dad for all the food.

PeterAD46: Yeah it was awesome, after all that wine I'm a little tipsy.

Matt: LOL @PeterAD46. I might quote you on that and put it in my new book, "The Bible" that's what I'll call it.

TraitorDude6: @Matt! Stop with this whole Bible thing, you just spent JC's last supper taking notes..It's not like anyone will publish your stupid book anyway.

Luke-ingood12: @TraitorDude6, you have been a buzz kill all night. What's the deal with that?

By The Webmaster.
First Tiger Woods, now Jessie James. Celebrities checking themselves into Sex Rehab. What is Sex Rehab and what exactly does it entail? At Sparklingjem's suggestion, and in what she calls a preemptive measure, AL checked himself into a Sex Rehab facility last weekend. Here's what he found out.

Sex rehab works in 3 stages

Stage 1:
A full evaluation of the patient's history and any past “trauma”. All the fun they had and why it was bad.

Stage 2:
Confronting the patient's distorted view of reality.

Stage 3:
Relapse prevention. In severe cases this may require castration or neutering.




Some of the activities patients typically undergo:

1.Patients are shown graphic images of naked men and women putting their clothing back on. This helps the patients unlearn the idea that one can only take clothes off.

2.Patients are required to find alternate activities to do if they ever feel the uncontrollable desire to have sex; activities like baking. (This explained the massive 23 storey chocolate cake AL saw in the parking lot when he arrived).

3.Patients are made to watch Barny and Teletubbies for hours on end. This is to put them in touch with their innocent youth once again. It appears though that this may be more for the amusement of the nurses and staff.

4.Patients are made to look at pictures of Queen Victoria naked, which is enough to stop just about anyone from thinking about having sex.

5.Patients are made to log on to pornographic websites and when asked to verify that they are over 18, they are required to click "NO". This is repeated for a few hours until the process of automatically clicking "YES" is unlearned.

6.Every day patients are made to get sensual massages from Asian women and go home immediately after the massage is complete with no "happy ending".

7. Patients are made to watch videos of terrorist prostitutes that act as suicide bombers and explode themselves once you acquire their services, spreading numerous airborne, incurable STD's.

8.Patients are made to carry around volunteer babies with stickers on their foreheads that say “THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU HAVE TOO MUCH SEX”

Well there you have it! These programs are obviously very important in the rehabilitation of the 90% male population that check themselves into rehab.

Regardless of your belief in whether or not we evolved from lower primates like monkeys, you have to give these animals credit. In this instance, they quickly ascertained that the sudden drop in food supply was directly related to the sign placed in front of their cages by those pesky humans...

By The Webmaster
Shani Davis, a black speed skater from the USA, won a gold medal in a speedskating competition in the Winter Olympics earlier this week. After doing extensive research at our Institute of Life Sciences, we determined that he is indeed 80-100% black.

Earlier this week, Mr Africanlegend released a statement in a Stuff-About.com post entitled "The Winter Olympics Conspiracy" stating that "The Winter Olympics is a clever ruse created by white people to exclude black athletes from the competition in order to win more gold medals."

Following Davis' emphatic win, he issued this apology:

I'd like to apologize to the few black people who aspire to become ice-based athletes and encourage them to continue to do so. I'd also like to apologize to Canadian born black people for bringing their blackness into question over their tendency to play Ice Hockey. Furthermore, I'd like to apologize to white people for my accusations and because of my transgressions I would like to offer you forgiveness for one of your past transgressions, perhaps slavery but we can negotiate that later. Congratulations to Shani Davis and I encourage everyone to embrace is blackness accordingly. There are also rumors that The Webmaster hit me with a golf club after reading my previous post and I'd like to go on record and say this is false! I SWEAR HE DIDN'T HIT ME!

By Africanlegend

THIS POST HAS SINCE BEEN RETRACTED (READ RETRACTION)

The Lie: Currently the whole world is marveling as the Winter Olympics host the best talent in the world on it's icy stage.

This is the story the media might sell you, but the truth becomes evident when you watch a few events and notice a distinct lack of Melanin in all the participants.

The Truth: The winter Olympics are a replication of the summer Olympics. Originally created by white people so that they could win more gold medals. In order to win more medals, they would have to find a way to exclude black people who have dominated most dry land-based sports, and what better way to do so than require over 95% of all the events to have ice or water.

The Science
In the late 1840's, a Spanish scientist discovered that black people had an adverse reaction to water. He realized black skin absorbed large amounts of water causing black people to be 76% heavier than white people when submerged in water. If left in water for over an hour, a black person may absorb enough water to actually burst depending on the concentration of the water. If you find that hard to believe, you can reference the Kenyan swimmer that took part in the summer Olympics in 2000. It is 2010 and it is believed he is still yet to complete his 50 meter race (good luck brother!).

The Winter Olympics exclude black people and a majority of the Southern Hemisphere by default because we don't have any snow. With events like figure skating, nordic skiing, and luge it is hard to see any black man participating unless a series of unlikely events, in which Jesus himself must be involved, occurs. Of course I mean real black people and not Canadian black people who forfeited their blackness the moment they started playing Ice Hockey.

P.S Mentioning "Cool Runnings," the movie about the Jamaican bobsledding team, is a reference white people often cite as evidence of Black participation in ice-based sports burton snowboards. Much of that movie has been debunked and attributed to CGI that was way ahead of its time.

See any black skaters? let me know! LETS FIND THEM AND COMMEND THEM!

COOL RUNNINGS - I couldn't resist.

By Africanlegend
In many previous posts I have alluded to Facebook being some form of institutionalized stalking (The 3 main purposes of Facebook). Its a medium for quick access to people's general information and it also includes a plethora of pictures to gaze on. In the past, those two factors combined constituted approximately 74.6% of the work a stalker would have put into good, hard earned labor.

The other day, I was logging into my account and a "captcha," which is a type of challenge-response test where one types in a presented code to verify that they are human, popped up. Ironically, I have failed many a time to correctly enter this code forcing me to often question my own humanity but that is besides the point. Here is the code it generated when I logged on::


So Facebook not only wants to verify that you are human. It also wants to verify if you are a STALKER! I wonder if they offer you some kind of premium lifetime membership if you are??

Also read: 10 signs you are addicted to Facebook.

hmmm......

By PattyPunker

Express is the must-have, sexy, sophisticated, hip fashion brand that provides premium clothes for guys. But not all men choose Express. There is a certain fashion sense involved. In case you were wondering whether you should shop there for yourself or for your man, here is the ultimate guide for the kind of men who shop at Express. Maybe Express is right for your man or maybe you should just let him throw one his usual pair of guys jeans and a simple t-shirt and get on with his life.


And just so you can be really sure that Express clothing is for the man in your life or that it is your kind of style, here is the definitive guide to men who wouldn’t be caught dead shopping at Express:


If you like the kind of wisdom you found in this post, be sure to read more from our guest blogger, PattyPunker.

By The Webmaster.

In 1843, after his wife had driven him to the brink of insanity, a once eminent scientist in Papa New Guinea named Li Chin Nguyen conducted laboratory tests to study the nature of the female. The results were outlawed and blacklisted by the government of Papa New Guinea because some of his research methods were deemed inhumane. He was ordered to destroy his work, but managed to preserve some of his papers. In November of 2008, a distant relative of Li Chin's ex-wife stumbled upon original documents describing his tests and findings.

Dr Nguyen's findings:

1.Crying Test
15 average women, aged 18 -35, were placed in a tastefully decorated room and subjected to Lifetime and Hallmark movies. As expected, all 15 women began to cry after an average of 28.6 minutes. They were then asked to fill out a survey explaining why they were crying. 

Results: Only 20% of the women were able to explain definitively why they were crying. 30% were unable to explain why they were crying and continued crying for the rest of the day. 50% of the women gave reasons that did not relate to the movie at all including some mild nondescript stress, a man that cheated on them sometime in the past, BFF's that betrayed them and “some bitch at work.” Interestingly it was found that 100% of the women knew at least 1 “bitch at work.”

2. Brain test
The same group of 15 women were presented with ten images of different people wearing different clothes and in different situations. After this process the pictures were removed and they were asked to recall what they remembered. As a control one of the pictures was of themselves. 

Results: All the women could easily recall classically trivial details like the clothes the people were wearing, the type of shoes they had on, hairstyles, the average size of their nose or whether they had an engagement ring.

Only 6% of the women noticed that one of the people was carrying a gun and an astounding 97% failed to notice that one of the individuals was inside a tank. The 3% who did notice all mentioned that the tank's color did not match the individuals clothing. Only 0.1% of the women were able to recognize themselves by recognizing a familiar item of clothing. 

"Hmm, Why was I crying again?"

3. Self Preservation test
The 15 women were subjected to 10 men with classic douchebag traits, 10 model citizens and 10 “normal” men. The women were asked to pick which men they felt naturally attracted to. 

Results: The women all felt naturally attracted to 9 out of the 10 douchebags selected. None of the women were attracted to one of the douchebags complaining that he resembled Kanye West. 4 of the 10 "model citizen" men managed to naturally attract a majority of the women. “He looks like a douchebag” was cited as the most common reason for that. None of the women were attracted to the “normal” men, their described reactions ranging from mild irritation to chronic mood swings and nausea. Eventually, the men had to be escorted out of the room for their own safety after the women began throwing projectiles at them.

4. Cat fight Test
5 of the douchebags from test 3 were placed in an enclosed room with the 15 women. The men were asked not to speak to the women. The room was observed and the results compiled.

Results: The women alternated between eying the douchebags and giving each other death stares for 15.8 minutes until the first projectile was thrown. Following that, war ensued and before long the tastefully decorated room resembled main street in Baghdad, Iraq. While we managed to airlift most of the men to safety, 4 were severely injured and one was killed in the process. Although we would have liked to avoid any causalities, we felt Kanye West was an acceptable loss.

5. Chocolate Test
The 15 women were each administered chocolates from various parts of the world. Then their blood pressure and brain responses were observed and recorded.

Results: Before the test could be administered, all the chocolate mysteriously disappeared. While each of the women denied it, they all seemed happier and more stable while reporting an increased libido. The FBI was called in to assist with the investigation but turned up no leads. Mysteriously they could not find any evidence after 8 hours of investigating and interrogating the women.
Disclaimer: No animals were harmed during the scientific testing; JUST MEN.

Recently I (Africanlegend) was accused of being racist against my own kind. Which is to say, some of Stuff-about.com's contributers complained about the lack of black people in my pictures and posts.

Jane: "Africanlegend it appears you have something against black women. I challenge you to use pictures of black women in your next post!!"

African Queen: "Why are your pictures always of white people?"

Sahara Goddess: "Obviously AL, you haven't searched hard enough so I decided to help you out. (supplied poor evidence in the form of a link) "

I would like to take this opportunity to completely blame Google for this. The Google search engine discriminates against black people and places images of them on pages 1450 and further; in the never seen regions of the massive "Internets." The Algorithms at work either give preference to Caucasian pictures or portray black people as rappers, athletes, criminals or starving Africans.

Don't believe me?

Your Honor the prosecution would like to admit the following into evidence.

Exhibit 1.


Notes: Google refused to acknowledge the legitimate request to inquire as to the appropriate course of action to take if a white person happened to steal your car.

Exhibit 2


Notes: The burden is on all of you to prove to me that Michelle Obama actually owns a live, functional, banana consuming monkey. Otherwise Google's second suggestion "michelle obama monkey" is an age old racial attack.
However, as promised, I am responding to the critics. I explored the depths of Google oblivion to find pictures of black people. These were the easiest to find. Here we go! This is what the prejudiced search engine managed to muster up. Google was asked to make a comment on this article but as of yet, they have not responded to my request.

By Sparklingjem.
Real Lesbians are becoming more and more difficult to distinguish from straight girls. The main reasons for this are that firstly, since a real lesbian despises males they may enjoy tormenting them by occasionally masquerading as a single, available, straight woman from time to time. (Diary of a concerned citizen Lesbos Announce thyselves). Secondly, while real lesbians hate men, men often find lesbians attractive and as a result, straight girls often "lesb-it-up" in order to seem more appealing. Despite this, there are a few key give aways which make it easy to spot the fake lesbians from the real lesbians.

The type of music a girl likes always sets apart the real lesbians from the fakers. Real lesbians only like obscure feminist singers and groups no straight person has ever heard of. Examples of this are Ani Difranco, Teagn and Sara and Indigo Girls. Straight girls who are lesb-ing –it-up will be listening to commercial lesbian music such as Tatu and Kate Perry. If she is walking around singing “I kissed a girl and I liked it” she is NOT a real lesbian.

While it is untrue that all lesbians are unattractive and do not take any pride in their appearances, they have dispensed of a number of the more moronic female practices. This is because lesbians have an extremely vigorous natural selection process prior to initiation to ensure only the strongest most intelligent lesbians survive. One of these is having long nails which is an entirely impractical practice and unsuitable for any woman who actually does things other than putting make-up on. If her nails are longer than the top of her fingers she is definitely not a lesbian, she is just pretending.



Yes there is one. However, if she is carrying around the 685 page booklet containing everything a lesbian should know about how to be one and during your conversation pages through it to find appropriate responses to your questions, then she is NOT a real lesbian. Real lesbians read the manual during initiation, BEFORE they come out and they know all the answers by heart. They only carry the Mini Manual of Lesbian Essentials which is a small 20 page booklet, containing among other things, a short version of the lesbian karma sutra and advice on ways to confuse Straight Men.

Most lesbians are vegetarian. It is a lifestyle choice that the International Association of Lesbionics decided on in a universal conference early in the 70’s where they settled all essential aspects of lesbian life at the time. Times have changed of course. As of the “Lipstick Lesbian rebellion” of 1983, lesbians are allowed to wear their hair long but unstyled in addition to the more customary short and spiked. But when it comes to what they eat, lesbians everywhere have remained committed to the ideals of vegetarianism while still appreciating things like cheese and chocolate. If she is a vegan she’s trying too hard to appear lesbian and isn’t really aware of the Laws of Lesbionics which are taught to all new lesbians in a top secret class given by Ellen after they have been initiated and sworn into the Lesbian sisterhood.

If you are still unsure invite her on a wilderness survival camp. If she is a lesbian she will jump at the chance and she will make it obvious in the first 5 minutes that she is a lesbian by building a luxury camp complete with running water and working showers with nothing but a pen knife and some matches. This is a skill which all lesbians must possess to survive the two weeks alone in the wilderness prior to their initiation. It does not mean she has been in the military which is a common misconception when it comes to lesbians.