Stupid people that need to GO: Vegans!
By Sparklingjem
Lunchtime finally rolls around and you head down the road to a nice cafe to grab a bite. You've just ordered a massive steak, when a girl you’ve seen in your office a couple of times walks in and asks if she can join you. You politely agree and the two of you exchange small talk while she orders a soy, fat free, -346 calorie Jahukamakibaki Smoothie to go with her array of nutritional supplements and the best weight loss pills money can buy; your first clue that she has no appreciation for food. The waiter arrives with the meal you ordered and suddenly her eyes widen dramatically.
Vegan Princess:“Oh my God, that’s disgusting!!”
You:“What is?”
Vegan Princess“Ummm hello Charles Manson, that abomination in front of you?”
You: “Umm… what my food?”
Vegan Princess:“How could you? Did you know poor, defenseless animal was murderer to make that?”
As you awkwardly begin cutting up your meat she launches into a cliche speech about how terrible it is to eat animals blah blah… how you are destroying the planet blah blah blah…and how we could feed the whole world if we only grew vegetables. When this does not have an effect, she launches into another tactic which involves grossing you out by describing a scenario where someone catches you, shoots you in the head and ultimately serves ounces of you on a plate in an over priced cafe. She then get up in a rage, pours water in your face and run of not before hurling her bottle of weight loss pills at you.
Why this person has to go.
Apart from the fact that she has now ruined your day and caused that poor defenceless animal to be murdered in vain, who wants to take food advice from someone who doesn’t appreciate eating. Vegans tend to be worse than Jehovah’s Witnesses in their zealous attempts to lead you onto the path of righteousness. Frankly, I can’t even see one good reason to give up all animal derived products and neither is there any medical research that suggests this is anything other than a retarded meal plan (there are certainly more logical diets out there). Furthermore, what happens when you visit a third world country that barely has enough food as is? Are you going to explain to a malnourished child that you purposely turn down food because you sympathize with the animal that died? ~If so, I honestly hope they eat you on the spot.
How to deal with this person
These people are almost impossible to deal with due to lack of nutrients affecting their brain. They are driven by an unhinged jealousy that they are forced to watch you consuming steak while they try to chew through vegan “chicken” nuggets, the only thing in the world that actually doesn't taste like chicken. Your best bet is to agree with everything they say and get out as soon as possible. Alternatively, if you could find a malnourished third world child and hope to God they eat them...
Category: Funny
