Halloween survival guide: How to tell if you’re living next door to a serial killer
Who Knows? Could the guy in pink??By Sparklingjem.
Serial Killers are just normal people with a strange hobby. So they like killing people in strange and unusual ways. Otherwise they are exactly the same as you and I. They might live in your suburb, in your street, maybe even in the house next door. It could be the sweet old ladies living across the road, the eccentric writer you never see out of his house or even the hot ‘girl next door’ you were hoping might be a porn star. Here are 6 ways to tell if your next door neighbour is a Serial killer.
1.They have a library. Serial killers are highly intellectual people, they like to amass knowledge. These will usually be grand old fashioned libraries, the walls lined with books on polished wooden shelves and a sliding ladder to reach the top shelves. However, modern serial killers often have to make do with creating something that resembles a library. Look out for a large collection of books, carefully arranged. The collection is sure to include textbooks such as Grey’s Anatomy, books on knot tying and cookery books. Please note, many people like collecting books or buying old houses with already complete libraries but don’t read any of them. If this is the case with your neighbour, then they are not a serial killer.
2.They exercise. They may not actually like sport or exercise but fitness is very important to the successful serial killer and it’s easy to figure out why. They have to be able to move about fast and efficiently, as well as silently. On top of this they have to chase people, who are running for their lives at no more than a brisk walk, yet still keep up with them. If you often see your neighbours jogging around the neighbourhood, they may very well be a serial killer.
3.They are very neat and precise. Serial killers are always neat and methodical. They plan out each murder carefully, factoring in every possibility. This is what separates them from your average murderer who manages one, maybe two kills before being caught. This is a personality trait, so it will be evident in everything they do. The way they wash their car, mow their lawn or arrange their furniture. If you move so much as a pencil in their home, they will immediately move it back.
4.Fava beans and chianti. The Fava bean is a lovely bean with a distinct, slightly bitter, nutty flavour and a rich buttery texture. It is a very labour intensive ingredient, requiring patience in preparation, so it tends to be eaten almost solely by vegetarians. Vegetarians enjoy food which is extremely difficult to prepare, as it increases the annoyance they cause other people with their dietary requirements. However, it’s taste is known to compliment the equally distinct flavour of human flesh, so unless you neighbour is a strict vegetarian, having fava beans in the pantry is a sure way of identifying your neighbour as is a serial killer. Especially if they also have a few bottles of chianti, the wine of choice for all serious murderers, possibly owing to the rumours that it is made from the blood of Spanish virgins.
5. They have a basement. Basements are an essential addition to a serial killer house. They are useful for storing bodies, evidence weapons and fetish equipment. Serial killers are hoarders and usually highly artistic, so they need a space where they can express themselves. They may decorate their basement in a number of different ways; one of the most popular being the traditional ‘torture chamber’ look, or simply with photos and souvenirs from their projects.
6.They are white. Female serial killers may be a rarity, but black serial killers are non-existent. The reason for this is African Time. Although many young black killers aspire to master the fine art of serial killing, wannabe black serial killers usually arrive too late to catch their victims, cant locate the sites for their murders or get distracted while executing the murders. This lack of preparedness and blatant disregard for time leads to their capture and imprisonment before they have properly begun their career.
Category: For Serial Killers :-)
