Dating "Must Nots." Must-not interrogate me!
The beginning of a relationship is always fun. You are getting to know each other. You naively still believe your partner's quirks are cute – like how much they love their cats, or that they are "mildly" obsessed with Massive Multiplayer Online Role-playing Games (MMORPG). You are still ignoring obvious red flags – like the 7 years she spent in a maximum-security facility for identity theft or that he is wanted in connection with numerous acts of terror in the last decade.
The way we learn this type of stuff about a person is just as important as what we do with the information (i.e. ignore it and stay with the person or run like hell to get away from them).
I met one guy; let’s call him Derek, who decided that the best way to learn everything he needed to know about me was to execute a military style interrogation before the first date. I met Derek at a club on a Friday night. We met at the bar, he chatted me up, bought me a drink, we danced together for a few songs – it was lust at first sight. At the end of the night, I gave him my number. He promised to call and take me to dinner. He called me three days later. We chatted about how much fun Friday night was and made dinner plans for the following Saturday. Suddenly, the conversation turned into a Q and A session that even a CIA interrogator at Abu Ghraib prison would have been proud of. I was picturing myself in a dark room with him standing over me water-boarding me repetitively in an effort to extract information.
Readers, I have transcribed that part of the conversation so that you can fully understand.
Derek: Dinner will be cool. I hear that spot is good.
Me: Great. Can’t wait!
Derek: Have you ever been to an authentic Chinese restaurant?
Me: Yeah, there’s one in my neighborhood that I like. Have you been ---
Derek: Oh, good….. Do you have any pets?
Me: Yeah I have a cat. I’m hoping to get a –--
Derek: A cat? Alright….. Where’d you go to college?
Me: I’m still workin’ my way through…
Derek: Oh that’s good. Do you like sports?
Me: I’m a basketball fan. I like---
Derek: I like a girl who likes sports. What kind of music do you listen to?
Me: All sorts. I like good hip hop. What abou----
Derek: Me too. How do you feel about dogs?
Me: I like dogs but …. One sec, why are you asking me all these questions? Save some for the dinner conversation.
Derek (in a ‘you are cute but oh-so-dumb’ tone): Well, I’m trying to get to know you. This is the best way to get to know a person – you ask them questions.
Me: I get that, but this format makes me feel like a black guy being questioned by a white cop.
Derek (angry tone): If you don’t want to answer my questions then you’ve clearly got something to hide! What are you hiding!?
Me: Seriously? I got nothing to hide. Further more, I’m done with this conversation.
Derek: Does this mean we’re not going to dinner Saturday.
Me: Goodbye.
Lesson to be learned: A way to a woman’s heart should be as different from interrogating a terrorist as possible.
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Category: Funny, Lists, Relationships
