Sparkling Guide to Men: The Athlete
"Show me the MONEY!- wait wrong movie."
The Athlete is the quintessential "American jock" as seen in every teen movie. He is the all-state, NFL destined quarterback of the football team or the bong puffing champion swimmer. He has proved himself to be better than his fellow men (if only at chasing after balls) and the general respect he gets from other men means he must be worth our attention.
Becoming the Athlete
The key to becoming The Athlete is to be good at a sport. However, if you lack sporting abilities, don’t be discouraged, there is an easy way around it. Athletes are attractive because of their competitive nature, left over from a time when men fought other men for their women. Since most women do not understand the nature of sports, they will not discriminate based on the actual sport you play but on whether or not you excel at it. For example, if you have a trophy for winning Extreme Ironing or Unicycle Hockey, she will be as impressed as if you won top football player of the year.
"What would happen if the Athlete had super powers."
SparklingJem’s advice and tips.
Types of girls this is best for:
Popular bitches, the high school prom queen and her entourage, divas like Mama13, Girls with no IQ
Guys who suit this role.
Genuinely athletic guys, guys who have a very low IQ
Why he’s irresistible:
He is physically superior and our bodies respond on a purely animal level to the fact that he can defend the cave, catch our dinner and impregnate us with healthy offspring.
What you should wear:
Sporting clothes, Awkwardly tight muscle t-shirts and any sporting medals you might have won. Also carry around a protein shake so you always look like you just came from working out.
Where you should take her:
Sports games, jock parties or prom-like events. Alternatively, don't take her anywhere and send her a feature length video of you working out at the gym and tell her to dress up and drink wine while watching the video.
Important tips:
The athlete really reaches his prime between the ages of 16 and 22 when girls are most governed by their hormones. After that, if he does not evolve, he begins to degenerate rapidly until he ends up being the pathetic loser who used to play football in college.
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