Dating "Must nots": Must not hit on both my sister and me!

By Freya E
Gentlemen, hitting on both my sister and I is a very ill-advised strategy. The odds will be heavily stacked against you. Even if you are sneaky and don’t hit on her in front of me, I will know what you are up to. Here’s a little secret - we communicate. Women have an inate psychic ability that enables them to send information over large distances instantaneously. In scientific circles it is commonly referred to as texting, calling, messaging or emailing. My sister is much younger than I am so any guy capable of executing this plan will be either too young for me, or too old for her. As in, the too old that is illegal in most states.

Here is a typical scenario:

The guy, let’s call him Roberto, will meet both my sister and I at church one Sunday. He will decide that he will hit on my sister first because he sees her more often. He figures that since he has now taken a volunteering position at her job twice a week he can spend his time executing his devious scheme until she caves in. In his mind, he has made what he believes is a flawless mental calculation:

3H(2D)+ Y = 30D

where H=number of hours

D=Days

Y= the new Dolce & Gabbana Light Blue Pour Homme cologne he just bought.

He is ready to execute his plan and it will often pan out like this:

Week 1
Roberto spends his 1st week playing the “I’m a nice guy” hand. He offers to help set up at the beginning of his shift, he runs out to get coffee for everyone during the mid-afternoon slump, he jumps over desks and pushes elderly ladies down to open the door for my sister, he even offers to stay late to clean up!

Week 2
In fear of getting stuck into the “friends zone,” he begins moving into her personal space. Every time she turns around he is less than 4 inches from her face. He does not let her get more than 6 inches away from him.

Week 3
He decides it’s time to take it up a notch, he begins making comments about how good she looks and turning mundane everyday conversations into sexual innuendo. A typical third week conversation might go something like this . . .

Roberto: Are you coming to the fund raiser for the homeless, The Sweet Soulful Sandwich day?

Sister: Naa...I am not sure I can come.

Roberto: Hey well if you give me a couple of minutes of your time...I'm sure I can make you CUM.

What Roberto perceives as skillfully sexy my sister perceives as sexual harassment.

Week 4
After my sister reports him to his supervisor, Roberto reluctantely accepts that maybe he has failed. He looks up and notices me setting up for the begining of my shift. You can almost see his mind going into restart. He offers to help me before running out to get coffee for everyone during their mid-afternoon slump, jumping over desks and pushing over an elderly lady in the process.

Before he comes over I hear a loud beeping sound. It is a text from my sister my sister,,,

"Enjoy week 1. Really milk it. The sucker will do anything."

ALSO READ:
Must not INTERROGATE me!
Must not wear ED-HARDY!

Category: Funny, Lists, Relationships