Stupid People that need to go: "Can't live without my i-phone" chick

You tried to abscond from work as fast as you could because you read an email that announced that there will be a going away gathering at a restaurant near work for Steve Buchanan, who is leaving for greener pastures. You have no desire to go because you don't particularly like Steve. In fact, you actually don't know of a single employee that does. In fact, Steve thinks this will be a solemn farewell party when in reality it will be a raucous celebration as the office will shed its primary source of body odor and bad breath. Everyone is enjoying themselves, making friendly conversation and pretending to enjoy themselves except Sandra, F*my life Chick's BFF, who is sitting in the corner stroking her i-phone continuously. You think maybe she is just replying a few texts, but this carries on for while. Occasionally she pops up and shows someone some irrelevant article, picture or facebook status update and giggles. After an hour or two, she is still twexting (tweeting and texting) and eventually decides to leave, telling everyone she had fun before running into a waiter because she was too focused on her phone to see him coming. She didn't really talk to anyone and all she will be remembered by is a disaster area of soup and salad on top of a flattened waiter.

Why this person needs to go. Plain and simple, it is rude to sit with a group of people and decide that you'd rather spend time floating in cyber space like an imbecile than talk to them. If you feel awkward in large social groups, continuously texting and refreshbooking won't remedy anything, it just further deters anyone from talking to you. There is nothing on Fbook, Twitter, Myspace or any other social media that can trump a genuinely great story shared and laughed at by a group of friends. Don't ruin socializing by googling every bit of the conversation and showing people pictures and articles they are probably not interested in. If you want to talk to someone else or be somewhere else that badly, you should leave.

 
What to do with this person.
They are not paying attention to anything you have to say so the options are endless. The best thing you can do is jam their ridiculous communication device while making your point. So if there are ten of you in the room, you should all mount a blitzkrieg-like synchronized offense; a surprise attack to shock the enemy as if they have been struck by lightening. All of you should get your phones out and text “Quit being a douchebag and socialize” to the culprit simultaneously. This will either short circuit their phone (if they are on sprint), get them to stop what they are doing or leave, either of those outcomes will drastically improve the environment.

Category: Lists