5 Brilliant ideas to make you absolutely Late for work 100% of the time...

You are late for work all the time. It’s not even that you wake up late and scramble around ultimately arriving at work in a pool of sweat and adrenalin. It's more like you wake up on time and mill around performing a ritualized sequence of absolutely unnecessary things to delay the inevitable. You think that by arriving ten minutes late, it will somehow make your job more bearable. Here are a few things you can do to make this process more effective.

1. Don’t do the dishes at night…..

You can’t very well leave the house with the sink full of dirty dishes. The alternative would be to risk coming back and finding a cesspool of bacteria with several microbes, grilling steaks and sitting on your couch watching the Netflix videos that you just got in the mail today. If you did your dishes the previous night, you would be able to get up, without having to worry about them and possibly get to work on time, but this is not the objective. Fail to do your dishes the previous night and you will be obligated to waste fifteen minutes you don’t have cleaning them in the morning and voila you’ll be late for work.

2. Disorient your room…. 


This is actually the key to procrastination. If you totally mess up your room to Apocalyptic proportions it works fantastically in many ways. Firstly, you will not be able to find anything in the chaos, and that will cause serious delays and waste precious minutes. You will be unable to find matching socks, clothing, shoes and other work related things. Secondly, as you are looking for things, you will inevitably realize that it would be easier if you just cleaned your room. Tidying up will waste those vital minutes and more importantly will ensure that you arrive fashionably late to work.

3. Misplace your Keys…..

Keys are the key! If you can’t find your car keys or house keys, you are not going anywhere. This makes losing your keys the most effective way to make you late for stuff. But how can you lose your keys on purpose? Well it just so happens that I have a great idea. You will need an appropriately disoriented room such as the one mentioned in article 2. Blindfold yourself before you go to bed, spin around ten times and toss the keys into the disaster area and proceed to sleep. You will wake up, shower, eat and consequently spend ages finding your keys. Then voila you’ll be late for work.

4. Perform some highly unnecessary grooming rituals….

If you wake up early and refreshed that gives you a lot of time to make yourself look dashing. However, this gives you room to go over the top and consequently make you run out of time. Ladies blow dry that hair and get it styled to perfection, clip your eye lashes or try on five different shades of lipstick till you find the one that matches your dress. Men shave the uni-brow, give yourself a hair cut or give yourself a shave and embellish it so that it looks like those Gillett advertisements where the guy puts a thick layer of shaving cream all over his face. Do a combination of things you have absolutely no time for and you are guaranteed to be very late for work.

5. Cook an elaborate breakfast….

A bowl of cereal, some toast or bagel and perhaps a fruit is the efficient kind of breakfast that will get you to work on time. However, this is useless to you. You need to make your breakfast more elaborate. Perhaps make it multi-course. Make things that are time consuming like pancakes from scratch, multi ingredient omelets' and high involvement foods like French Toast. If you eat meat, make sure you have the live animal that you will have to slay in the morning to make your cut of meat. If you are eating vegetables or fruits, try growing them from scratch when you wake up. In any event, making an elaborate breakfast will very effectively make you super late for work.

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