4 Killer Ways to look Super Popular when You Totally Aren't!

By Mathew Harp
Once upon a time you could add a lot of friends on Facebook to make yourself seem popular… But thanks to intense search engine optimization battles, you just look like a spammer. If you need some new strategies, here is a list of honest* classic tactics that will make you the talk of the town:

1. Make friends with people whose last names’ sound like first names.

Jan-Michael Vincent could count as 3 people if you say his name slowly enough.

If making friends is hard for you, this is a great way to get more bang for your buck! Try to direct your friend building activities toward people named something along the lines of Joe Kyle, Richard Taylor, Michael Jordan, etc. Or even better, make friends with someone with three first-sounding names like Johnathan Taylor Thomas or James Cameron Michael. This way when speaking to others, you can say:
“James, Cameron, Michael, and I went to the mall yesterday!” When in fact you and "James Cameron Michael" went to the mall yesterday. See! Three for the price of one!

2. Spy on others conversations.

Spy, spy, spy, the more you know, the better!

 Listen in on popular peoples’ conversations and wait for something personal to be shared. Then say something like “hi” as you walk away. This is good for pretending you are really good friends with someone, as they like you enough to share their secrets. Doing this allows you to say:
“I was talking with Kathy earlier and she said that she might have to go to counseling for anorexia.”

3. Refer to coinciding events.

Just name drop, it impresses most people.

Now lying about having friends you don’t have is not cool! But you don’t need to lie about having friends in order to talk about the friends you don’t have. Confused? Let me walk you through it… Go to a popular spot where a lot of the cool people hang out. Take note of who you see and something they did, like get drunk for example. Then repeat the same action they did. Then the next day when speaking to someone you want to impress, you can, in good conscious, say:

“Kathy and I were at "Insert Bar Name here" last night and we got so wasted! It was awesome”

To add some extra kick, follow the cool person home and when they are getting out of their car, roll down your window and say something along the lines of :

“Oh wow, what a coincidence, I didn’t know you lived here…” Then you could make your story so much cooler by saying:

“Kathy and I were at "Insert Bar Name here" last night and we got so wasted! It was awesome… Then we went back to her place and talked.”

4. Masterfully combine the prior three.
Step 1: Listen to someone popular’s conversation and get some personal information and try to figure out where they will be that night.

Step 2: Get your friend with two or three first names to go with you to where the popular person will be.

Step 3: Make sure the popular person notices you at the bar and say a quick hello.

Step 4: When you see the popular person leaving separate yourself from your three-first-named friend and leave also.

Step 5: Follow the popular person home. Then you can say:
“I was talking to Lisa this afternoon and she said that she got a modeling contract with Ford! Can you believe that? Yeah, and then later that night Lisa, Michael, Taylor, Scott, and I went out to Q Bar to celebrate. Crazy, huh? But here’s the best part… Lisa and I talked at the bar and then we decided we wanted to ditch our friends and head back to her place. It wouldn’t be appropriate of me to comment much further than that… [wink]”

What’s dishonest about that???

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Category: Funny, Lists