How to win an Academy Award (Oscar)!

By Africanlegend
Everybody knows the Oscars are rigged. Certain types of movies stand a chance of winning while others do not have a hope in hell. Below I have detailed methods in movie making and acting which you can use to make sure you ALWAYS win an Oscar.

1.Don't be black.
Being black is one of the worst things you could do to win an Oscar, especially for Best Actor or Best Actress. If you don't believe me ask Denzel Washington who should have won an Oscar a long time ago. Occasionally black people may get an amnesty Oscar for some supporting character that swept floors for a main character; who also has to have been in Oscar contention.


2.Suffer from a disease, ailment or disfigurement.
Few things work better than to suffer from some kind of terminal illness or insurmountable handicap. For the greatest effect, you should go for a disease that afflicts 3rd world countries like AIDS, Ebola or Scurvy. Unfortunately, the Hallmark Movie Channel has over-used Cancer so it has dramatically lost its Oscar winning potential in recent years.


3.Make yourself ugly.
If you are attractive, make sure to lose or gain an obscene amount of weight and play a character that is suffering from some sort of psychosis or abuse. However, if you are naturally ugly, you will not manage to convince the critics you made adequately strenuous sacrifices to play your character.


4.Make a War movie.
Historically, the best War to focus on is WWII. Nazi Germany's crimes against European Jews has always been an Oscar-worthy theme. James Cameron has taken the classic war movie and added some variation. Cameron made the war on another planet, made the slaughtered individuals tree-hugging hippies, used a crippled guy for the male lead and also required us to wear 3D glasses to watch it at the movies. It is possible that this variation may trump the more conventional extermination of the Jews theme this year.



5.Make a VERY long, VERY boring movie.
Movie critics want to feel as if they have some sort of god-given, profound taste in movies. If you make a long, boring movie that causes the casual viewer to slip into a coma, the critics will have no option but to award you an Oscar. This is because they will have the opportunity to claim that we didn't understand the movie because of the complex plot and character development. They will also add the fact that the new generation of movie watchers have too short an attention span to realize the movie's true merit.


6.Be Clint Eastwood.
Clint Eastwood achieved the impossible, which is to turn from bad ass action star to thought provoking director. Critics have decided that to reward him, they will issue him with an automatic Oscar, regardless of how boring or remarkably similar his movies may be at times. Prior to Eastwood, Steven Seagal, another action star turned director had been terrorizing the world with his movies.


7.Die during the shoot.
This method was popularized most recently by the late Heath Ledger. A sure-fire way to get an Oscar is to die at some point during shooting your movie. The epic press attention and all the actors lining up to complete your movie for you will strong-arm the critics into giving you an award. Of course this plan is fundamentally flawed, so make sure you leave a video acceptance speech for after you win.

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