Stupid people that need to GO: The "My boyfriend is kind of like Jesus, but twice as good" chick
You manage to evade "I don't listen to mainstream music" and head out to replenish your cup of coffee and you see this chick standing at the coffee machine, staring at her cell phone, and giggling maniacally. You ignore the red flags and ask her how she's doing. You are trying to be nice, but all you end up doing is activating her "My boyfriend is the GREATEST!!!!" mode. Before you can duck away, she begins to recite a long grocery list of supposed amazing things that he does. Defying basic laws of common sense and linear time she proceeds to talk about how he:
- met Obama in person and suggested he run for president when he was a senator in Illinois!
- fought in World War I and II.
- hunted and killed the Chupacabra!!"
- disarmed a nuclear bomb split-seconds before it exploded thereby saving the world.
- was the first to climb Mount Everest but didn't tell anyone because he wanted to protect it's natural beauty.
- rescued 148 children and their blind granny from a burning building before it collapsed into a heap of ash.
- found the Holy Grail.
She continues, but your head explodes right before she gets to the part about his Nobel Prize for the polio vaccine and his time spent in outer space.
Why this person is an asshole:
We get it, you THINK your boyfriend is awesome, but just because he takes an occasional jog in the evening doesn't make him Carl Lewis and doing doggy paddle in the local public pool doesn't make him Michael Phelps (perhaps a blunt would). Embellishing your boyfriend's trite achievements only makes us hate this guy even before we have even met him. In fact it makes us not want to meet him EVER!
How to deal with this person:
You can't avoid her talking about her man, but you can take solace in the fact that while she's at the office bragging, captain fantastic is probably at home nailing a tattooed stripper named Michelle "Bombshell" McGee. She probably talks about him this way to convince herself that he is better than he actually is. In retaliation, wait till the bubble bursts and she's crying her eyes out at the water cooler telling you all about how he did her wrong, then get righteously indignant and refuse to believe he'd do such a thing. Then say something like,
"Sandra, stop being immature. Super Jessie would NEEEEVER do that."
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