Ask a Legend: Help! My girlfriend is a Bed Hog!
Dear Mr Legend,
I can't take it anymore! My girlfriend is a serial bed hogger. She deploys some kind of neo nazi night time regime and banishes me to the outer edges of the bed, hanging on for dear life with one arm and one leg flailing off the side of the bed. As if that is not bad enough, she also sees fit to roll around while she is sleeping and cocoon herself in all the bedding, leaving me cold and miserable, often needing to be in the fetal position, with just the tip of a sheet if I am lucky. Mr. Legend what should I do? I am tired of spending lonely nights in the vacuumous, sheet-less outer regions of the of my nocturnal galaxy.
Sleepless Dave..
You have asked a great question. A lot of men suffer the same problem. Most women hog beds and sheets and and do not even realize they are doing so. The female is 67.43% colder or warmer depending on the season and because of this they tend to horde or abuse any climate control technologies. They may blast the AC at a fridgid -234 Degree F on a hot day and freeze every living thing to stay cool or put the heat up to temperatures similar to those on the surface of the sun to stay warm. This is just a fact you have to live with.
As for the solution, you can't call her out on it because she will just say that you want all the bedding to yourself and you will have a circular argument that she will win easily. The only thing you can do is cuddle (yes I know it sucks). Some girls use bed hogging to force men to cuddle with them. It is the only way you will get your fair share of bedding. If she is just being an asshole and stealing all the sheets and refusing to cuddle then you have help her find a reason to cuddle. So insist on watching scary movies before you sleep, tell ghost stories or better yet get a black mask and every couple of nights rattle things around in the house till she wakes up. When she wakes up scream like a lunatic and flee the scene. Then take off your mask and walk back in claiming to have apprehended the intruder and handed him over to the appropriate authorities. She will then be scared and fearful enough to share the bed with you.
Happy Sleep,
Mr Legend
Category: Funny, Lists, Relationships
