5 life saving Reasons Not to Date a Vampire!
By Africanlegend
I will go out on a limb here and admit something terrible, something appalling, something unspeakable, something so horrible that it will cause you to forever see me in a different light. A light of shame and disgrace that will follow me like a dark cloud for eternity.
Ladies and gentlemen I HAVE WATCHED THE TWIGHLIGHT SAGA. All three parts! In FULL!
I will only defend myself by saying that twice it was with a woman and the third time was intended for my little sister, who sacrilegiously abandoned ship leaving me no choice but to watch it by myself to the bitter end.
That being said, I am writing this because of my little sister who is part of a growing group of misguided youth that think it a good idea to fantasize and date vampires. If you know anything about the mythology you’d question this idea….
1. You are dinner.
Vampires can’t digest food. They feed off human blood. They can make do with animal blood, but to them that's like eating a grilled cheese sandwich off the kiddies menu. The fact is, you are their food. If they get “the munchies” and there are no other options available, you are done. Ladies why add to the anxiety of thinking every dude wants to sleep with you by adding the variable of him wanting to eat you as well? So unless you have an endless supply of friends you are willing to sacrifice every time you go to dinner, you can’t guarantee your own safety.
2. No Sunday Afternoon walks
Vampires don’t last too long in sunlight. In fact that is an understatement, they vaporize. So never mind that you will have the palest significant other in history (yes paler than even Sparklingjem) but you cannot do rudimentary things like enjoy a walk on a sunny day. You will be restricted to living in places like Alaska, Antarctica, The Arctic Circle or Boston where there is no sun for months at a time.
3. Age aint nothing but a number
Vampires are immortal barring some kind of mortal injury that involves wood, silver or a decapitation depending on the mythology you read. They also do not age as a result. So age aint nothing but a number until you are so old you can barely walk and you are sitting on your couch in a diaper containing a pool of your own feces hooked to a breathing apparatus while your husband is out shooting free throws and running marathons like a Kenyan.
4. The Man in the mirror
Vampires cannot see themselves in mirrors. This presents certain hygiene related issues so don’t be surprised if your vampire date turns up with several buggers dangling from his nose and a foreign white substance in his hair. The idea that they may have snacked on a moose on the highway before they came to see you but did not have the ability to clean the fur from their teeth may also present itself as an issue over time.
5. Black Vampires
Have you ever noticed how few Vampires are black? If not I'll tell you. Only 1 in 23 vampires are black. Nobody knows why but it’s most likely because black peoples’ more superior athleticism, natural aversion of danger and general distrust of white people have helped them avoid being converted into vampires at as rapid a rate as their white counterparts. This is a tragedy for white suburban America where Jungle Fever has been rampantly spreading, claiming the sanity of many a white parent. So if you are into black people then vampire dating is not a high percentage dating option for you.
Category: Funny
