100 simple things you take for granted: #15 Cars

15# Cars



By Sparklingjem
I knew the day when I would have to have a new car was coming, especially since I accepted that Alice (my ancient Audi A4 appropriated from my mother) was trying to kill me. It started off with little things like refusing to de-mist, thus making the process of driving in wet or cold weather an athletic procedure involving a towel and seated calf raises, or squats ~ or whatever they call them. However, not long ago she progressed to belching some sort of toxic smoke into the interior and refusing to open or close her windows. It became clear that my options were to either get a new car or die of carbon monoxide poisoning at a red light.

Alice breaking down in the middle of nowhere on New Year's Eve. Yup, she's a bitch!

This weekend I drove home to fetch my new car. I wasn’t that excited, I knew nothing could ever match up to Alice (who the fuck is Alice) so I was very prepared to be disappointed. It was worse than I thought.
I had two, well three, stipulations about the new car. Firstly, it had to be manual. Cheap automatics never gear up and down fast enough meaning you never have enough power. Secondly, it shouldn’t have one of those beeping warning systems, they never work out and are fucking irritating. I know when I haven’t got my seat belt on, I will put it on in a minute. Thirdly, I needed boot space, it’s complicated but I need boot space.

My new car is a TINY TINY little Toyota. That’s fine, I can live with that, but it’s also automatic. It goes from 0 to 60 in 5.6 HOURS meaning my days of zooming off at robots before the leering assholes in the car next to me are over. The tires on the car are so small if like all it would take was a strong gust of and they'd unhinge and send the car hurtling into oblivion (ATV Tires). It also has a bloody beeping warning system. Except it doesn’t beep to warn you that you have no seat belt on, or if your door is open or even if you’re about to hit something. No, my car warns you if you’re going backwards. In case you didn't notice the scenery was moving in the wrong direction. And there is no boot, it’s a (very small) hatchback. The only body you could fit in there would be a midget or perhaps a small child…. oops did I say body? ahem.

The Future Sparklingjemmobile!

We have managed to bond a little on the 4, I mean 7, hour journey back. I’ve named her Chloe after the prostitute in the movie of the same name. I have decided I’ll like her more after I have covered her in flowers and bumper stickers about saving the world which Alice would never have let me do. And I will be chanting “I’m grateful for my car, I’m grateful for my car, I’m grateful for my car” every morning until I feel it.

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