4 Well known Facts about Dating Explained by Evolutionary Science!

At a local Bar near you!

By Africanlegend
The Male Silverback Gorilla's mating ritual consists of posturing, muscle flexing, chest beating, loud grunts and savagely aggressive behavior. There is a very good reason why this sounds like the behavior of a typical douchebag who you might find inhabiting a local bar. The truth is we are slaves to our genetic imperatives and most of our behavior can be explained through evolutionary biology. Here is a scientific explanation of a few common dating trends.

1.Women are more picky than men.
It is no secret, men are prepared drop their industry standards to horrifically obscene levels just to just to have sex on any given Sunday. This phenomenon happens often enough to spawn several phrases to describe it:








For guys, generally if the object has breasts, it is possible that under the right conditions, with the correct combination of chemicals, a man will attempt to fornicate with it. Females are described as the pickier of the two sexes, content with disqualifying a man just because the ratio of the size of his left eyebrow to his right is off by 34.56%.

BIOLOGICAL EXPLANATION:
A female produces only one egg a month from puberty till menopause while a man produces over 400 billion sperm in his life time. This means that a woman has a relatively small window of opportunity to reproduce and has got to pick the right mate, at the risk of ending up carrying the fetus and eventually having to raise a talentless and genetically unremarkable human being.

A male's machinery gives him ample opportunity to reproduce, so much so that he can afford indiscriminately waste it on a daily basis and have plenty left over. In addition to that, if he manages to impregnate a woman he can always abscond and make her raise it herself, making the whole process more risky for females.

2.Women are attracted Jerks!
Women  have a well documented tendency to be attracted to douchebags, jerks, assholes and generally vile creatures. In fact, the Hallmark Channel has made a brand for itself making movies that address exactly this issue.:

The classic Hallmark plot:

A clueless, nice guy appears at the beginning of the movie. Clearly he loves The Women but she refuses to notice him, deciding that he is just her friend.


Enter some douchebag on a Harley Davidson. The first thing he does is knock over a few women and children and burn something down.

The woman falls for this degenerate because seeing him knock over women and children apparently turns her on. 

Nice Guy panics and asks The Woman's best friend for advise. The best friend is really in love with The Nice Guy but tells him he should express his feeling to her friend; she cries after he leaves. 

The Nice guy tries to tell The Woman how he feels but fails after numerous attempts.

The Douchebag blossoms and starts some kind of altercation with the woman resulting in him tossing her cat across the room. The nice guy bursts in and tries to fend The Douchebag off but he is beaten to a pulp.

The woman asks why he risked his life for her. He tells her he has been in love with her since the day {insert cheesy moment here}.

They live a miserable life together, before she develops breast cancer and dies in the end leaving everyone miserable.

The Nice Guy is so struck by this that he develops a drinking problem and decides to buy a Harley Davidson.... 
 

BIOLOGICAL EXPLANATION: Why do women fall for jerks? It serves no evolutionary purpose since they make bad mates. The answer is, douchbaggery closely resembles the classic traits males used to need to fend giant anacondas and woolly mammoths. Jock-like strength, physical prowess, decisiveness and bravery are all useful traits for survival and a sign that the male can provide security. The subconscious acknowledgement of these traits is probably to blame for survival of The Jerk and all the different species of Jerk.

3. Bars are overpopulated with Jerks.

BIOLOGICAL EXPLANATION: In evolutionary science you have Natural Selection and Sexual Selection. Natural Selection's goal is directed towards successful continuation of a species by preserving the best genes. Sexual Selection is about preferential traits one gender sees in the other which are not necessarily useful for survival. For example, the female Peacocks randomly decided to sleep with all the males that had the brightest, most colorful feathers. Observe:


This ill advised trait that the female peacocks decided they liked has rendered the male Peacock deafeningly visible to its predators, standing in the wilderness with a virtual bull's eye on it buttocks. In relation to humans, women are sexually selecting nice guys out of existence and driving them away from bars to bookstores and confining them to coffee shops and libraries where they have a better chance of finding a mate and/or getting some.

4. Men like curvy women.

ladies, don't email me saying the one on the far left is not curvy, cropping her out would have been mean!

BIOLOGICAL EXPLANATION: From an evolutionary standpoint, the explanation is simple. Women with larger hip areas had a greater chance of surviving child birth, so instinctively males would be more likely to choose them as mates. This is likely because males are poorly equipped to be the primary parent, lacking basic parental tools, like milk-filled breasts.

In the animal Kingdom, there is plenty of anecdotal evidence to suggest males are generally reluctant parents. The same can be said of men, supported by the fact that modern governments had to enforce programs, like Child Support, to force males to assume parental responsibilities. The tendency of males to avoid parenting, even goes as far as developing such activities like happy hour to briefly stave off parenting on a daily basis and/or be intoxicated for it's duration. Males still gravitate toward to picking females most likely to survive child birth i.e the curvy females, to completely minimize the risk of ever becoming a single parent. By mating with a female that will survive pregnancy, males can insure that they have time to focus on more important things like playing Call of Duty: Black Opps and watching countless hours of sports.

Category: Funny, Lists, Relationships