New Year’s Resolution: Don’t be a moron and get another JAYWALKING ticket.
By Africanlegend. (JAYWALKING EXTRAORDINAIRE)
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| Jaywalking is an informal term commonly used in North America to refer to illegal or reckless pedestrian crossing of a roadway. |
January 2010….I ENTERED THE HALL OF FAME AS ONE OF THE SELECT AND DISTINGUISHED CLASS OF ASSHOLES THAT HAS MANAGED TO GET A JAYWALKING TICKET.
THE STORY…..
It was a fairly mediocre Friday night, in fact in my memory, quite possibly as ordinary as Fridays can get. I was sitting in my living room. My friend Brian was downtown and he gave me a call to join him. I reluctantly got up and started preparing to leave, quickly thinking for a minute about the fact that I could hear my phone vibrating (doesn’t that defeat the purpose of a vibrate setting?).
I arrived downtown. It was busy. There were drunken douchebags everywhere stumbling around in their Abercrombie outfits, bumping their heads to bad hip-hop music. I finally found Brian and by the time I had arrived he and his two extremely crazy, unstable Englishmen friends Matt and Ellis had already decided to relocate to another bar. Total alcohol consumption 0-1 beers.
The street was busy. We were at a four way stop and we decided to cut across the road to meet another walk signal (See: FIG A). My friends moved quickly across so I sped up to 1.75 times the speed of a casual walk. When I caught up with them, I proceeded to pat Brian on the back in some kind of boyish, “wow it’s good to be out” gesture.
FIG A:
Two seconds later we were apprehended by a couple of cops on bicycles. Like a bad cliché it so happened that in a sea of white faces, four foreigners: a black dude, two Englishmen, and a Puerto Rican happened to be stopped by cops. In the back of my head, I was preparing something to defend myself when FOX News arrived to document yet another “foreign criminal corrupting good, hardworking Americans.”
A few minutes after we got caught…
Officer: Saw you crossing in the middle of road, I’m gonna have to write you up!
A.L: For what?
Officer: A traffic violation…JAYWALKING!
A.L: HA HA HA…oh man like that segment on Jay Leno’s show?......wait, seriously? Wait I thought thats not a real law. Is it?
Officer: You bet it is!
A.L: They arrest people for that? But it’s walking?
I started grinning and laughing under my breath, half-expecting that both officers would suddenly start stripping and our friend had played a distasteful practical joke on us.
Officer: SIR! Do you think this is funny? DO YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY!
A.L: Kinda Sir. I just didn’t think anyone ACTUALLY got tickets for stuff like this!
I realized I should just shut up. The longer a black man talks to cops, the more likely THIS HAPPENS. The cop finished writing me a ticket, looked at my Arizona ID and suddenly softened his aggressive tone.
Officer: You have an accent, where are you from? I mean you don’t sound like you are from around here. Where are you originally from?
A.L: (puzzled) I am from……exactly where my ID says, no place different. (I answered thinking this was an SB1040 training exercise for him).
Officer: OK? I was just trying to make conversation (in a tone suggesting that in this whole transaction that somehow I was the asshole).
A.L: Sir, forgive me if I don’t feel like a casual chit chat after getting a JAYWALKING ticket worth… (I looked down)…holy Sh@T...!
MEANWHILE…
I looked across and the Matt/Ellis/Brian situation was panning out in a grossly less civil manner. Brian was telling a short, stalky officer that his mom is lawyer and will throw the book at him. Matt was saying something non-aggressive but because of his English accent he sounded like an English soccer hooligan ready to fight with an opposing fan. The officer that attended to me rushed over and grabbed Matt.
In any event, we all decided it was just better to leave. As we were walking away, Matt began to vent, to us, using a few choice words that wouldn’t fly in a class room. The officers, who had retreated by now to about 15 yards, heard him in the distance and in a bizarre change of mood, decided he needed to be arrested. Before long Matt was licking the wall while being handcuffed ~ FML
A few minutes later, we were sitting on the sidewalk watching Matt being tossed in the back of a paddy wagon. A black officer arrived at the scene of the crime. I thought I could at least reason with him, if for no other reason, because of our co-blackness but he didn’t listen at all. All he did was stare blankly over my left shoulder as I spoke and repeated the same sentence over and over again. I began to suspect that at least this set of officers had smoked something tonight, and it was not for medicinal purposes.
CONCLUSIONS………..?
Yes you can get a Jaywalking ticket! They aren’t made up…
Yes it CAN cost $150…..which strangely is double the price of the ticket you get for running a red light, which may actually result in you running over someone that is jaywalking, but all that is semantics!
Don’t hang out with Englishmen….
IF by any chance you happen to be Black, Don’t expect “The black Cop” to help you. He is one of them, planted in their ranks to destroy you.
If you are comfortable and content just sitting casually in your living room on a Friday night and you get a call from your buddies…SIT YOUR ASS DOWN…AND READ A BOOK!
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