5 fantastic ways to make Americans enjoy Soccer!

By Africanlegend.

1. Increase superfluous statistics….
Americans love statistics. Not important statistics like goals scored or possession, fantastically irrelevant stuff that doesn’t add anything to the game.

OHH and Spain go 1-0 down! Andy this is a very telling moment because since The Stone Age, only 3 teams have ever gone 1-0 down and come back to win! More importantly for the goal keeper, every time he has given away a goal in the first half, he has gone on to lose his girlfriend to the goal scorer. It will be interesting to see how he responds to this.

2. Add multiple breaks
Americans love being pissed off at commercials and find themselves very disoriented when they can peacefully watch an uninterrupted sports contest. They also love to record the game on their TIVO, delay it fifteen minutes and fast forward through the commercials. This is a status symbol as the lower class Americans with regular cable TV have to endure solicitations to buy stuff they don’t need during sports games. 

3 Increase Scoring
Suspense to an American is a movie genre and should be left out of sport. For the average American, it is better that both teams be constantly scoring for sports to be interesting. To help increase the scoring and help Americans enjoy soccer, the field should be cut in half and the goals made twice as large. Crippling the defense in some way is also part of American sports. It may be more enticing for them to watch if the goal keeper is handcuffed to one post, prohibited him from using his hands and a sexy girl in a two piece swim suit is placed in front of him. Until soccer scores are 17-34 or 45-67, you can be sure an American will stick to Basketball and American Football.

4. Break up the teams into Offense and Defense
The idea of formations like 4-4-2, 4-5-1 or 4-3-3 will be a deterrent to Americans. In order for them to enjoy soccer, the team needs to be broken up into offense and defense. The defense should not be allowed to score and the offense should not be allowed to defend. A  team should field 22 men, 11 on offense and 11 on defense and when the ball crosses the half way line, the ref should blow the whistle for a 30 second TV time out. Then depending on whose possession it is, the 11 players on the field should frantically run off and be replaced by their counterparts.

5. Make USA good!
Americans hate losers and no matter how well the USA play, they are almost destined to lose because of the quality of foreign teams. While there are many long term ways of improving teams, Americans will not wait long enough to see their impact if USA doesn’t start winning NOW. The best solution would be to round up every foreigner tagged for deportation and have them shoot a penalty before being shipped away. If they score, They should be sent to USA coach Bob Bradley for trials. The US team sprinkled with a few Mexicans, Guatemalans, Nigerians and the odd European who over stayed his Visa, should be able to compete at a much higher level. 

Category: Sports