Help! My girlfriend is trying to Kill me!: “Ask A Legend” Advice Column.
Dear Dr Legend,
I write this to you with a heavy heart. I think my girlfriend of four years is trying to kill me. We usually have a really great time together and she tells me she loves me but sometimes we have outrageous fights and she gets a weird, Charles Manson-like, look in her eyes. I recently found an invoice with a rifle, a knife, a rope and duck tape among the items purchased. She says she bought them because she and her BFF are taking up hunting. Problem is, she whimpers at the very sight of a cockroach so I can hardly imagine her hunting a Moose. Besides, we live in Chicago and the only things to hunt around here are corrupt politicians. I also woke up the other night and she was wide awake looming over me, watching me sleep in the darkness of the night.
Do I have anything to worry about or does my girlfriend really want to kill me? Please help!
Dave.
Dear Dave,
I have great news for you! Your girlfriend most certainly loves you! This is very clear from your letter. The bad new is that in addition to loving you, she most definitely wants to kill. If she didn’t love you, she’d just leave. She has obviously invested a lot of her time into changing you for the better and it must have failed miserably. Leaving you to another woman is not a comfortable option for her so she has opted to kill you instead. There is a reason why the prime suspect in a murder investigation is always the spouse.
Look on the bright side, at least you know what’s coming. You’ll either be shot mercilessly or stabbed brutally. Don’t turn your back on her, always let her drive and sleep with one eye open. The thing she is doing in bed is similar to the action a Boa Constrictor does to size up its prey to gauge if it is large enough to eat it. Simply speaking, she is sizing you up. If you want to survive, do everything she says. Your own opinion may be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. As extra insurance, purchase a weapon for self defense and let her know that you have taken all the sex tapes of you and her and put them in a secure location. Inform her that the tapes will be released to a massively syndicated porn site should you mysteriously disappear for any reason.
Good Luck Dave! Nice hearing from you….
I don’t expect you’ll be able to follow up but if so definitely let us know how things turn out.
Dr Legend.
Got a question? Ask Dr Legend at stuffabout09@gmail.com or on Twitter (Africanlegnd)
Category:
