Final World Cup Violence Report!
By Africanlegend
The Media predicted a blitzkrieg of AIDS, violence, kidnapping and beatings during World Cup 2010. And the African savages did not disappoint. This World Cup was full of dangers and for anyone, just to escape the region alive should be considered a tournament victory of it’s own.
The Media predicted a blitzkrieg of AIDS, violence, kidnapping and beatings during World Cup 2010. And the African savages did not disappoint. This World Cup was full of dangers and for anyone, just to escape the region alive should be considered a tournament victory of it’s own.
The official Heineken World Cup Crime Report.
Kidnappings
Kidnappings were up 678% from the last World Cup. In fact, Andreas Iniesta, who led Spain to victory in the final, was reported as kidnapped two days before kickoff. Iniesta was eventually rescued by Caucasian freedom fighters who claimed to have found him being water boarded while naked. Thankfully, the Spanish national team included diving in their training regime, which Iniesta credits as his saving grace.
Gun Violence
Everyone that attended the World Cup and wisely purchased bullet proof vests, as the media suggested, survived and lived to tell their tale, but those that did not were gunned down mercilessly at an alarming rate. Teams reported that an average of 87% of their players were either injured or reported “dead by sniper,” making this the most successful world cup for snipers since 1978.
AIDS:
As major western media outlets correctly predicted, everyone that went to South Africa has AIDS now. John Smith from the National AIDS Alliance (NAA) had this to say:
If you went to South Africa, you are a health hazard and the humane thing to do is put yourself down. The AIDS there is “Super AIDS” born of the Black African Super Monkey of Congo. If you have so much as breathed South African air or looked at a South African, you could have contracted their deadly strain of the Virus. A word of caution to all survivors, within 2-6 weeks, the virus will have you climbing on trees and barking like a baboon.
Wild animals have been enjoying an "all you can eat" barbecue special this World Cup. Wild Animal deaths in the streets were the second largest killer in South Africa. Many South African stores offered tourists free guns to help protect themselves. Kat Stevenson, head of The Association for the Ethical Eating of People released a statement immediately following Spain's victory at the World Cup:
It has been a successful World Cup for wild animals particularly lions and big cats. As we promised, they only ate white people and players like Gareth Barry that would not be missed by their teams . The animals got a bonus when Messi and Ronaldo proved to be useless for their teams. We didn’t expect them to be on the menu. We do regret that Ronaldihno did not show up this World Cup, his sheer girth would have been enough food to feed 24 prides for a year and would have saved a lot of lives.
Black People
The most potent of all dangers still remains in South Africa. Once all the tourists leave, the savage ancestors of the hip-hopping, drug consuming, rapping, basket ball playing African Americans will continue to place themselves in high positions in government and spread chaos. I cracked open my fortune cookie and it gave me advice that I thought I might share with all of you.
Be very wary of singing and dancing black people especially when they are in large groups. They come bearing gifts but stealing wallets.
