A Father's Wedding Toast: Fine, you can marry my white daughter but I'm watching You!!
I was intrigued by AfricanLegend (AKA Isaac) fearing his mother’s reaction if he were to marry a white girl (READ “A Mother-In-Law’s Wedding Invitation”). So I thought, just imagine the father-of-the-bride's toast (after five too many Martinis):
[New father-in-law rises unsteadily to his feet, weaving gently and reading the following in a slurred voice:]
"When our little Muffy brought home Isaac for the first time, I was taken aback; she had told me he was "different", but I didn't know HOW different! Still, when he left and nothing had been taken from the house, I began to warm to him just a little bit. But then I thought of him doing "it" with my little sweet Muffy, and my blood boiled and I wanted to burn him a deeper shade of black. A quick death would have been too merciful for this despoiler of my little girl’s innocence!
Yet against my wishes, she persisted in dating him, and he kept trying to ingratiate himself to me, always smiling, cheerful, and helpful in spite of my greeting him each time I would see him with a snarled “If you know what’s good for you, you’ll leave without my daughter.” Gradually he grew to be like a slave to me (a position I was entirely comfortable with): I would order him to drive me around town and I felt he was almost as protective as a real bodyguard. I just knew he would take a bullet for me (especially since I paid those guys to aim at him).
Then, when he got out of the hospital after the shooting and announced that he and Muffy were getting engaged, I had to put aside my own feelings and think about Muffy’s happiness. So, even though it was really expensive, I hired Justin Bieber to try and steal her away from Isaac, but even Bieberitis would not sway her.
Then I thought, maybe it's the physical, um, you know, the black thing that gets her, so I hired these white guys to shave their heads, spend hours at the spray-on tanning salon, stuff several rolls of quarters in their jeans, and then strut around saying things like, "Yo, what up homey; you bust a cap in a brother's head or what, dawg." Can you imagine, she didn't even look at them!
But it was time to face facts, and I told my wife I was going to have to finally bury the hatchet…… in Isaac! But my wife knows me too well, and she had already hidden the axe, in the meantime inviting Isaac over for a man-to-man talk. And when he finally convinced me that he was never going to get Muffy shooting up brown and turning tricks for him, I finally relented, and here we are today!
So I raise my glass and say to all of you here today: Isaac, I am not losing a daughter, I am gaining a sometimes bodyguard/chauffeur.
Welcome to my family, slave-in-law!”
[Father-of-the-bride slumps slowly into his seat and does not arise]
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