How White Americans talk to Foriegners: The Formulae!
Last weekend I met some random white dude and after I mentioned that I was from Zambia, he explained that his friend's girlfriend's sister grew up there. It made me wonder. How come every white person the introduces themselves to a foreigner has magically had some intimate experience regarding whatever country that they mention they are from? I also realized that all introductory conversations between white folks and foreigners basically follow exactly the same pattern.
The specific countries and people will differ but the pattern of the conversation will always go something like this.
The Formula:
1.Hey you seem to have an accent, you are not from around here are you?
A: If answer is NO continue to 2. More often than not NO will be accompanied by the relevant country.
B: If answer is YES skip to 3
2. Oh wow your are from [insert foreign country],
3. Is that near [insert grossly inaccurate guess]
A small conversation will occur whereby the foreigner will either correct a bad guess or be very surprised that the guess was correct.
4. That's awesome man, actually....:
Use the appropriate response:
A) I grew up there.
B) I stayed there for [0 to 12] months. (If greater than 12 months use response 4A)
C) I did a year abroad there last summer. I was in [insert city or village]. I wanna go back. It's so much better than the US. Everyone is so friendly there!
D) My girlfriend did Habitat for Humanity there last summer, she says it changed her life.
E) My buddy in the military was stationed there.
F) My Aunt and Uncle have a house there/live there.
G) I really wanna visit there, is it safe?
H) Heard about it in the new recently. It was the first time I'd really ever heard of it.
5. It's really exciting to meet someone from [insert foreign country]. How long have you been here?
A: If answer is < 2 years continue to 6.
B: If answer is > 2 years skip to 7.
6. Wow that's not long at all, you actually speak good English. (skip to 8)
7. Wow that's a long time, your English is really good. Actually it's probably better than a lot of Americans.
8.. Do they speak English in [insert foreign country].
If the answer is NO continue to 9
If YES skip to 10
9. Dude you must be some kind of genius. You picked it up so quickly. I'm bad with languages.
10. Dude I had no idea. I thought they spoke [French/Spanish/Portuguese] in [inserted country]
8. It must be really different here. How often do you go home?
If answer is < or = once a year continue to 9.
If answer is > than once a year skip to 10.
9. That's pretty cool that you see you family that often...(skip to 11)
10. Oh man I don't think I'd survive not seeing my family that long.
11. Do you celebrate Thanksgiving?
If answer is NO continue to 12
If answer is YES foreigner should be flagged as fraudulent.
Caution: If person looks Native American use Martin Luther King Day, 4th July, Memorial day or other more appropriate holiday because they are big fans of Thanksgiving.
12. Let me know if you around. We'd love to have you over for dinner...
The FULL conversation will end up sounding something like this:
White American: Hey you seem to have an accent, you are not from around here are you?
Foreigner: No, I'm from Zambia.
White American: Oh wow, you're from Zambia? Is that near Jamaica?
Foreigner: No? It is Africa.
White American: Where abouts?
Foreigner: Just north of South African.
White American: That's awesome! Actually My girlfriend did habitat for humanity and built a few houses there last summer, she says it changed her life. She said she really wants to go back because everyone was so friendly there!
Foreigner: Oh that's interesting!
White American: It's really exciting to meet someone from Zambian. How long have you been here?
Foreigner: 8 years.
White American: Wow that's a long time, your English is really good. Actually it's probably better than a lot of Americans. Do they speak English in Zambia?
Foreigner: Yes.
White American: Dude I had no idea. I thought they spoke French in Zambia. It must be really different here. How often do you go home?
Foreigner: Every couple of years or so.
White American: Oh man I don't think I'd survive not seeing my family that long. Hey do you celebrate Thanksgiving?
Foreigner: No, I have never heard of it?
White American: Really??????????? It's one of our holidays, let me know if you're around man. We'd love to have you over for dinner..
By this time the foreigner probably feel like shooting themselves. That's why I always just tell white people I am from Detroit.
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Category: Funny
