USA WORLD CUP Victory sparks global upheaval!

AL | 5:30 PM |

By Africanlegend.
For years the US has claimed to be a world superpower. While not entirely untrue, the world always reveled in the fact that despite having the largest nuclear weapons stockade and economy, the US sucked big time at soccer. After Landon Donovan fired home the lone US goal against Algeria and sent the US into the second round of the World Cup, a small spike of interest in soccer has been detected among Americans causing a deep concern amongst foreign countries.

Within an hour of the game's conclusion, all the other world leaders met for an emergency skype group chat to discuss the consequences of the US enjoying soccer. Most of the respectable countries were represented at the meeting except the French.

Apparently, the French minister of sports had an argument with the head of the French Football Association during which he stripped himself of his suit and threw it to the ground before storming off in a violent rage. Then during an emergency parliamentary meeting held in the early hours of the morning to discuss the state of French soccer, the French ambassador to the US was sent home for calling the Vice President a son of 6 whores under his breath.

Conclusion of the emergency Skype meeting: The rest of the world will have to find another sport to play exclusively that the Americans suck at. 

The Candidates and why:

CRICKET

  • Americans have baseball.
  • The ball bounces and that makes it too confusing.
  • You use a flat, disfigured bat that looks like a corporal punishment tool in a catholic school,
  • You only get one bat?
  • There is less opportunity for violence (no charging the pitcher and no outbursts of rage or ejections)
  • There is no huge glove to help you catch the ball.
  • It would be considered a pussy sport because of the mandatory tea break at 4:30pm.
  • Using steroids doesn't make as much sense in fact; it doesn’t help in any way at all.
RUGBY
  • Americans have football,
  • Rugby requires a lot of running and very little subbing which is like sprinkling an anti-American pesticide on the game.
  • Players play offense AND defense. It's too much work.
  • Less opportunity for buffoon-like behavior. If you tackle a player the game will not stop so you can gyrate and jump around like an intoxicated buffoon on speed. The player you tackle has the option to get up and continue running. Buffoonery remains a huge part of US sport.
  • There are no pads to protect players and people's mothers will freak out.

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